Satin Christmas

The Dark Reality About Christmas Music

Christmas time (i.e., any day immediately after Halloween) is when your radio is stuffed with wholesome, spirit-lifting music about loved ones, faith, plus a extra fat man in a crimson suit. But appearances is often deceiving. We frequently forget that Frosty the Snowman melts/dies at the end of his song. Or that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was possibly a single insult away from massacring his playmates. A lot of the world’s best-loved Christmas songs are absolutely nothing greater than upsetting tales of death, helplessness, and despair. Take off your rose-colored glasses, simply because here will be the ugly reality of some of one’s favourite best christmas songs:

HAVE By yourself A MERRY Small Christmas (written by Hugh Martin & Ralph Blane, 1944. Performers include Judy Garland, Frank Sinatra, and James Taylor)

The original version starts out with the gut-punching opening lyric, “Have oneself a merry tiny christmas songs It may perhaps be your last.” When Judy Garland nixed these lyrics as too depressing (the girl had instinct), the writers brightened it up a bit. Still, the final verses (“Someday quickly we all will be together/ If the fates allow/ Until then we’ll have to muddle through somehow”) shows the song’s harsh message: Let’s enjoy this fleeting holiday while we can, because life is going to start sucking again real soon.

SANTA BABY (written by Joan Javits & Philip Springer, 1953. Performers include Eartha Kitt, Madonna, and Kellie Pickler)

First of all, this is about the sluttiest Christmas song in existence. It’s about a woman flirting with Santa Claus so he’ll give her money (whether said woman is a stripper is up for interpretation)!!! A young attractive woman trying to woo a gross old guy for money? Sounds like this could have been written by Anna Nicole Smith circa 1994. Madonna’s 1987 version is particularly disturbing, from her Betty Boop-inspired vocalization to hearing her not-so-subtly ask Santa to “come and trim my Xmas tree.” I know that quote is taken out of context, but it just sounds so dirty coming from Madonna.

I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS (written by Tommie Connor, 1952. Performers include The Ronettes, The Jackson 5, and John Mellencamp)

The premise is that a boy comes downstairs on Christmas Eve to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus, but christmas songs classic finds his mother making out with the man in crimson under the mistletoe. And we are led to believe that Santa is actually the boy’s father dressed up, so it’s all a jolly misunderstanding when the boy goes back to bed under the impression that his mother is a whore. But nowhere inside song does it explicitly say that “Santa” is actually the narrator’s father. It may be anyone really. A neighbor having a fetish for purple satin. An elderly Salvation Army volunteer. Or the real Saint Nicholas (he is real, proper?)!!! And even if it was the boy’s father, so what? Walking in on your parents having sex is an awful enough memory, but seeing it happen on your favorite holiday is something that could ruin your Christmas memories forever.

Silk and Satin Christmas