Red Shades

Revealed: The Celebrity Obsession With Sunglasses

Have you ever wondered why you hardly ever see some celebrities without their sunglasses. It doesn’t matter if they’re indoors, out at night or in a dingy nightclub. They have become best buds, impossible to separate. Actually, given the recent antics of Britney, Paris and Nicole, these days celebrities wear sunglasses more often than knickers.

But why? By delving into the complex and bewildering psyche of the celebrity mind, we try to answer this age-old riddle:

1. So they don’t get recognised. Celebrities can’t risk getting mobbed by crazed fans on every street corner now can they? It’s a scientific fact that human face recognition predominantly focuses on the eyes. Clearly celebrities have researched this fact, and stay incognito by covering up their eyes. They’re cleverer than you thought!
2. So they do get recognised. There are certain species of celebrity that actually desire attention of passers-by on the street, and use their designer sunglasses to achieve this. Some resort to wearing the most ridiculous attention seeking bug-eyed goggles. Some celebrities have actually built their entire personal image around their specs. This latter syndrome is known as the Bono factor, named after the mens glasses icon and aging U2 frontman for his trademark luminous wrap-arounds.
3. To protect themselves from flash photography. With the celebrity’s natural predator, the paparazus (or paparazzi in plural) on the prowl, certain defensive measures have to be taken. The bigger the celebrity, the more of these deadly adversaries will congregate around them. The paparazzi’s primary offensive weapons are their huge flashes, predominantly used to startle their prey and cause gradual yet irreversible damage to their already ruined eye balls (see number 5 for more details on this). Sunglasses are in fact a crucial evolutionary defence against this threat.
4. To hide their wrinkly bags/bloodshot eyes/drunken makeup. You may not have thought it, but this is in actual fact a measure to protect us, the general public. If we were exposed to the true state that celebrity eyes end up in after all night binges and long term sun damage, we’d be so horrified that our entire view of the world would crumble around us. Yes, ladies’ glasses of the rich and famous are there for our sake. Believe me.
5. Drug usage makes your eyes very sensitive. The intense responsibility and pressure that society places on the celebrity species leads them inevitibly to drug abuse. Substances such as tetrahydrocanabinol and opiates cause the pupils to dilate. Mere daylight, even behind a cloud, can cause some serious pain to afflicted celebrities. Don’t begrudge them their sunglasses.

I hope now I’ve made you think twice before tutting under your breath next time you see a hollywood star sporting ridiculously unneccesary shades in pitch black conditions.

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